The blog that should never be written

I get angry sometimes.

Tonight is one of those times and I’m breaking all my own rules of not writing when I’m in that moment. But something has to give and I’d rather it be my pride than something worth something or something that will cost me money to fix.

It’s an anger I direct at myself, but it comes out on others … I’m well aware of that and this time I screamed at my child. I screamed him into silence which says how much he realised it was serious. He just lay there in bed, eyes wide, somewhere else, trying to get away in his head and, just possibly in his little 3year old brain, wondering what on Earth is wrong with his mother.

What is wrong with his mother currently, is ‘his mother.’ That’s the end of that paragraph, summed up quite nicely I think.

What triggered the change of mood … well the obvious I guess. The fact that I spent the last two weeks of off-and-on sunny days ‘reaching out to the joys of spring‘ – deliberately not looking at my bank account on-line as I knew it would trigger a reaction like this. But in hindsight … oh the benefits of that! … I should probably have done it anyway; two weeks of stacking up the inevitable was bound to blow like a cork and boy did it ever.

So here we go again. One giant leap for humanity … right back to where I was exactly a year ago when they stopped all my accounts; back to where I was a year ago when the machine spat out my card and said ‘try again when you’ve done about ten more projects’ and back to where I was a year ago, when I temporarily stopped believing I could ever make this ridiculous fantasy of an independent life actually work.

I stuck my finger up at it last time. Fact. I refused to give up. Fact. I didn’t sign on to welfare which everyone told me to do ‘for the sake of my son’. Fact. Everyone is still telling me I was and am selfish, pig-headed, stubborn and will burn in hell for dragging my son down with me for the sake of my pride. Fact. I have worked my butt off. Fact.

I am going down. Fact.

And that makes me so fucking angry. I never said fuck in a blog before, but if I don’t I’ll throw my glass at the wall. Sorry.

I tipped over the paper recycling basket this evening and howled. I trapped my hand in the dustbin chucking out said paper and howled again. I despise this pathetic poor me of a stupid cow who really, this time, does not seem to be getting it together. Another fact.

I’m normally not a person who lets life get in the way of what I want to do, but this time, something took the wheel… I’m out of control and there is no vocabulary in any of the three languages I know which can describe how filthy that feels. I have to work this out. I have no choice. But Jesus Christ I’m not sure how much more I’ve got to give …


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9 Responses to The blog that should never be written

  1. Vegemitevix says:

    I am so sorry you feel like this. I have been like this so many times I know exactly how you feel. When you come to the end of your rope just tie a knot hun, and hang on until morning. Tommorrow things will look different. Is there a way you can combine your independent work and self-employment with something that could deliver a cash-flow? I’ve had the card spit out, I’ve grovelled at the bank, I’ve had my phone cut off….

    Hang in there hun. Thinking of you and if you need someone to vent to drop me a dm on Twitter. xx

  2. karen says:

    Oh god! wish I could give you a hug, but if you are anything like me you probably wouldn’t want anyone to do that anyway. I have no advice, except to say I have been there so many times myself. Cards taken from me in the supermarket, living off bread and pasta for weeks. Screaming at my child(ren), bewildered looks on their faces. Panic, tears, fear. I have learn’t to take each day as it comes, something always turns up (although I will say I have swallowed my pride in the past and accepted help from my parents) . I don’t know what else to say to you. xxxx

  3. Allie says:

    Sending you a big load of strength and willing you on with all my heart! I have been there as well when my husband wasn’t working and it felt like it was all on me.

    I believe you can make it work and you will do it for yourself, and for your son.

  4. Henrys_mummy says:

    Awww F, this has really made me well up.

    That first blog you wrote when you started out on this path, that is the rel you and it was so inspirational to so many people.

    You shouldn;t be so hard on yourself you are ace and L is a real credit to you.

    Most people would have gone under well before now with what you have to cope with on your own.

    We all ahve down times and off days, chin up and pick yourself up.

    Tons of hugs and kisses

  5. Ally says:

    *Hugs* I feel so bad for you. I know how it feels to live on nothing, though thankfully I didn’t have my Noodles at the time. I wish there was something I could do to help. Is there anything I can do to help? Just let me know.

  6. Gobby that I normally am, I have absolutely no words for the response I had to this blog.
    To everyone who has left me a comment, either on here on on Twitter: Thank you. Really, Thank you. xxx

  7. JenC says:

    So sorry to hear this, and yes, it should have been written. I hope something is triggered and the situation improves. Jen.

  8. I am so sorry that somehow I missed this one. (Always chasing my tail, never quite catching up). A belated GGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrr for you feeling so bad. You are ALLOWED to get angry and it has to come out. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Keep writing, keep fighting. Fab lady. x

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