I’m just ….

I have an ‘I’m just’ monster at home.

Well actually, I don’t …  I have two; one of whom, aged 3, is off with his Papa for ten days and my brain is working overtime on all the things I could have done better as a mother since the last time he went away.

‘I’m just …’ is that thing that tends to precede the ‘doing’ of the thing I’ve just asked him to ‘do’ …. “Can you go and wash your hands for lunch please Poppet?”…

‘I’m just driving my tractor …’ or

‘I’m just playing with my … ‘

But ‘I’m just … ‘ is a definite me.

So yesterday, a day when all things went to hell for the xth time this week (work broke again, as did my plans with him as a result) I added another ball to my juggling act and counted the times I, myself, said ‘Yes Darling … I’m just …’ or ‘hang on a sec while I …’ when he asked me to do something. The results were, frankly, quite horrific and I’m not about to publish them here, but it was a huge eye-opener and, despite all my good intentions set out in The Shoe, this has been a lesson I am going to have to work even harder at to justify any wrath at my son’s procrastination in the future.

Being home with my boy for so much of the time is like having a permanent mirror in front of me and I am constantly faced with my own inadequacies when I see little quirks developing in him … they have to come from somewhere and, let’s face it, I can’t blame the playgroup for everything!

But it’s all good … and it’s strengthening my own sense of resolve to try and become a better person and a better mother, so that at least he has a reasonable chance of not starting life with all my horrible traits!

Methinks, however, that resolve is one thing, but whether or not I’ll be successful in any of it, who knows … I guess future blogs will tell !

MJM


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This entry was posted in Parenting, Philosophising, Starting out as a single working parent, Work-Life Balance. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I’m just ….

  1. They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
    They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

    But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
    Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

    Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
    Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

    Philip Larkin

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