What…? Where…? Now please!

It’s one of those days where something needs to happen.

I’m restless as hell despite an impending deadline which I’m not going to meet if I can’t get myself together.

A day when something is pushing down on my chest and I don’t know how to respond – one minute I want to laugh, another, to cry, another to hit something and another to just go out and get what it is that’s missing.

Every few minutes I stand up and wander about the place, listlessly opening and shutting cupboards in the hope that whatever it is I want will spring out at me and I can grab it, then settle down and get something done.

It’s not working. Whatever it is I need is not here. Not in this house. Not today.

My son is gone with his Papa, but that’s not it either. He’s having a fun few hours playing trains and is having a better time there than he would have had here with me this afternoon. I’m pleased about that.

Nope, there’s something else.

The weather stinks which could be a factor. I’ve not seen such a consistent deluge of rain in what seems to be years. That is getting to me, I have to confess. When it rains, the apartment is relatively dark. I think I’m a mild SAD sufferer, but again, I don’t think that’s the cause of today’s jitters.

I envy true artists. The painter would throw down everything at this moment and would shut himself in a room for the next week or so, emerging with an emotive masterpiece into which he had invested all his doubt and longing; the musician would write a song and the writer would produce a work of pure beauty and analytical metaphor …

I just brain-dump on what I think everyone else would do, feel as empty and as unfulfilled as I did when I started and have presented myself with another reason to feel rubbish, given that I have just indulged in yet another half hour of meaningless procrastination.

So no solutions here.

Back to work then.

Same old, same old ….

MJM.

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6 Responses to What…? Where…? Now please!

  1. phoenixaeon says:

    Are you sure you’re not my alter ego? I can completely sympathise with you on this.

    The other day I was up, down, forwards, backwards, upside down and inside out with feelings of grrr, why can’t I do anything, I can do some things, I’m not really fantastic at those things, and why can’t I be an artist, what skills/abilities do I have that fulfill me, and why can’t I just be someone else. It drives me up the wall and I berate myself for feeling that way, but it’s there. I have far too little confidence in myself to be artistic as I have no capacity for getting things wrong, so therefore any opportunity of artistic experimentation is squarely out of the window as it’d just lead to me thinking it was crap. But I would definitely like to figure out what the missing part is that would make me feel… Yeah, that would make me feel.

    *Huge hugs* Hope you feel less antsy soon xx

  2. Josie says:

    I know this.

    Even knowing I probably COULD lock myself away and create something beautiful, I still roam and fidget and DON’T.

    I guess sometimes the mood is just frustration, and not doing, and feeling, and listlessness, and feeling empty.

    Just so long as you know it’s not just you that gets it. And that it DOES pass…

    • Thanks Josie. I’m not big enough to think that it is just me that goes through this … and I’m sure even the most talented of artists have their days of frustration. I just wish sometimes I could find something I could do well, which would provide me some relief for the other areas of my life which are lacking. It is the ‘never being good enough at anything’ which makes me sad. That combined with the fact that I am also incapable of lowering my own expectations of myself. I’m not sure that part will ever pass.

  3. JulieB says:

    There seems to be a lot of it around….! I too have been feeling like this recently. Maybe we’re all going through some kind of mid-life crisis at the same time?!

    • LOL I definitely think there is some of that in there .. the whole time thing scares me daft! It is a little reassuring to hear that others are going through the same, although I would not wish the feeling on anyone. Thanks for commenting x

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