This just popped up at me: Happy Anniversary to me eh!
Funny, I was only thinking yesterday about how increasingly I am aware of the passage of time and how much more worthless by the day my life is becoming. With every new box of dishwasher tablets I crack open, another couple of months have evaporated around me and what have I got to show for it? Absolutely zilch. Four years after my first positive “I’m not gonna let the bastards grind me down, I’m gonna go and high-five this crappy life and change stuff” blogpost, I’m still slumped in the same corner at the same desk in the same room, having gone no-where and achieved nothing other than a more deeply-set haggard look and an even greater debt than I ever had before. My energy is lower and my intolerance for everything I didn’t do with my life is coursing through every vein and jangling every nerve. Constantly.
I’m tired of firefighting. Very, very tired.
The fog is back and the last 6 years of desperately trying to do the right thing turned on me this summer and laid me out. KO. My prime thought hammers in my head “You stupid cow, you’ve cocked it up. Definitively. You had dreams and you’ve let it all go. There’s no way out of this mess – you’ve made your bed and will be well and truly buried in it. What a bloody waste of life.”
Eh well. In the words of Yaz: “The only way is up”… but after fighting for so long I’m actually really struggling to believe it.